Fear

Hey all!

So first of, I apologize in advance for talking about something grim. This topic is a bit uncanny but it is definitely something that we hear about almost every day. But we are de synthesized to it. The topic is death. I know, I know! This is such a sad note to start a blog hence the apology in the beginning of my blog. But I suppose sometimes we need to be reminded by the reality of death once in a while. But we need not be consumed by it.

This bit of reality started a few weeks ago when my sister and I attended the funeral of a 29 years old lady. She was so young and I often wonder if she knew that she was about to die? I don’t know if awareness of when you are about to die is better than dying instantly? Dying of illness gives you more time to prepare as compared to dying all of the sudden? Anyways, these are the questions that run through my mind whenever I go to a funeral (and many more). I wonder how many people out there get overly sensitive and analytical when like me, but death is always harder to accept when the person is younger. At the same time funerals always make you re-asses your life, and realize how short it really is. The Bible says that life is but a vapor in light of eternity. For a while I pondered about my life, my marriage, my family. I wonder if I am doing what God has called me to do in this lifetime. I wonder if I am kind enough, good enough, loving enough. I wondered when my turn would be. Needless to say, I went home last night and sobbed and spent time in prayer and asked for forgives for allowing opportunities of sharing God’s work to pass by. Even a few days later, I still had these thoughts just killed my joy. I was sobbing at the idea of being apart from my family and especially my husband. I always get so dramatic and overly analytical. But I think that being ANALYTICAL even an understatement for how I become when I am faced with emotional situations. Even through my sobbing sessions, I was extremely grateful for my salvation. I was thankful that I am Christian, I am thankful that I know God and that I have a relationship with him. But of course the reality of death here on earth is always so daunting. On a side note, I am so thankful for a wonderful husband that I don’t deserve who holds my hand while praying over me when I encounter emotional situations such as these.

Moving forward, a few weeks ago I felt the lump in my breast to be getting bigger (note that I’ve had this for a while now and have gotten it checked). But lately I’ve been having weird symptoms accompanied with the breast pain I have been feeling. I went to my doctor who said that my lump was normal while he passively circled through my breast. Same with the other doctor that I visited who gave this weird look when she felt the lump as she told me that I should just wait for my ultrasound result which was a month away! I was frustrated by them because I felt the lack of accuracy in doing the exam and the passive response to my questions. I wasn’t content and I still have this nagging pain around my arm and neck because of my breast pains. So I went back to my old clinic where I told the doctor my experience and she did a thorough exam of my breast where she found 2 more lumps and 2 lymph nodes from both my armpits, something that my other 2 doctors never noticed before. She ordered me to book an ultrasound right away (which I will be going to soon). But like every other doctor they refuse to speak in definite until they have the results on hand. I asked her if I should worry about it and she said that I should wait for what the ultrasound says and it could possibly be a cyst, a benign mass and the probability of getting cancer at my age is low. But this came alarming to me knowing that my grandma passed away of breast cancer at a young age, and my mom was diagnosed with a benign lump when she was around my age too. Whew, looks like this is becoming more of a rant! Sorry ya’ll. But if you have a family history of breast cancer I am allowed to feel scared!

I told my husband about it and as soon as I got home he gave me a long hug and asked me if I was okay. And being the overly analytical me, I once again sobbed in bed. I told my husband that we just got married and asked him how this could be happening. And why is it happening when we finally decided to plan on having a baby. I was so full of fear and discouragement. I couldn’t bear not being with my husband and the possibility of not being able to meet my future children if this came out positive.  And I could see that my husband wanted to cry with me but he held his ground and spoke encouragements over me and prayed with me until I fell asleep. So once again, I am faced with death in the face. And I have been asking God to give me peace during this time of waiting. I pray that the result will come out negative and this lump isn’t life threatening.

Man! This adulating business is tough. I’m not going to lie… I feel very anxious and scared still. But I realize that God is in full control of this life. And I pray that this time of waiting for what may be of this health issue will allow me to get closer to him. I know that God desires nothing but the best for me and that he is covering me under the shadow of his wings. I pray that the next time I write another blog that I would be on a better note.

If you guys have the same experience as mine, please do share! I’d love to hear from you.

Till later,

Shammah Praise

On Being A Housewife

Being a housewife.

 

I hear this too often “Change is the only constant in life”…  And Im sure that everyone will agree to this statement. My transition from being a single independent woman to a housewife has brought about incredulous change. I do things now that I never imagined doing. See, I used to rent a room in the suburbs and paid minimal rent and lived off take outs and salads. Anything that would prevent me from cooking, I did. The only time I ever cleaned was when my carpet was when it was dirty enough to be vacuumed. I thrilled myself with the prospect of travelling the world until I was ready to retire. And so I travelled whenever I had money saved. I worked a full time job in an office and made sufficient income to sustain my lifestyle (which was basically the life of a vagabond). I would have lived in my car if I had to, just so I could book the next cheap trip.  I would save up and then travel and then do it all over again. I was settled into living a life of travel. There were so much possibilities! So much to see and so much to do! But then one day, this bearded gentleman from Saskatchewan made his way into my life and in a matter of a year I got engaged and got married. I call my husband and me crazy for following the “INSTA” trend. Insta date, insta marriage, insta wedding! Haha..

Being married to my husband is one of the greatest blessing ever. But if you would have found out how we met, you would probably cringe and laugh at the same time. I know I did! But I will save that story for another time.

After I said I do, I adopted the wonderful title of “housewife”. This title meant being the official cleaning and finance manager of a household composed of two people. This didn’t seem too bad in the beginning since Im huge on data charts and organizing so managing our finances did not seem daunting to me. Even if I grew up in a Filipino home cooking didn’t come naturally. I would rather clean than cook. But I looked at this new life as an exciting new adventure! My place of destination was mostly our kitchen. I cooked, I cleaned, and I even made furniture. On top of that, I presented my husband with detailed charts regarding our debt repayment plan and annual financial projections. I also came up with a detailed description of our monthly expenses and I had several attempts to be a cheapskate housewife (still working on the idea).  The charts worked during the 6 months of me planning our wedding, hence we were able to get married and not be in debt. And within 7 months of getting into the same habit we were able to pay off my student loan. This I can share all on another blog. I felt like I accomplished a lot of things in a short time and was able to manage more than I thought I could. I was enjoying the change but it came to a point where I started missing my old life. It seems like the housewife adventure wasn’t as exciting as I hoped it would be anymore and for a moment I felt like a visitor in my own house.

After almost a year of charts, cooking and working with a mop and broom I finally felt tired. I didn’t think this much of a change would cause such an emotional impact in my life, but it did. For about a month I started yearning for my old life back. I just wanted to pack my bags like I normally do and jump on a plane and end up in destination. . I was deep in grieving that I didn’t want to go to work and spent some evenings crying. I have a beautiful house a wonderful husband and a stable job but the routine caused me to dislike the person that I was becoming. Not that there was anything wrong with the change, but I realized that I was beginning to mourn my singlehood.

Mourning my singlehood

Don’t get me wrong! I am absolutely in love with my husband. But parting with a lot of things that I assumed was my “identity”.I was in mourning because I had to give up the things that I used to love doing (travel, CrossFit, hiking, sleeping in).  In order to save money for our wedding and pay for my student loans my husband and I decided that we should give up activities that cost us money for the meantime. I was okay with the change during the first few months, but as months turned into years and I started to miss my old life.  No one ever tells you that mourning your singlehood is a real thing. I miss being able to drive to the mountains and not have to worry about next month’s utility bills. I miss being able to go to CrossFit and pay for the full amount of $ 1,920 / year and not care! I miss the freedom of being able to book a trip on a whim (as long as I had enough money on my bank account). I miss saying yes to hanging out with friends on a weeknight… These are just a few among other things. The things that you could do when you are single!

Joy found in mourning

As I mourn the loss of my singleness, the Lord has provided me with a joy that can only be found in being with my husband. Every loving act he pours out towards me is a reflection of God’s goodness. Each waking morning is a blessing knowing that for as long as we are blessed with, I will not wake up alone. He is a constant remind of how the Lord knows me fully well to have destined this man to ask me to marry him. My husband called out the woman in me, and the mother that I could possibly be. Being with him brought forth desires that I never knew I had. I still have a lot of learn as I’ve only been married for six months and as “statistic” or “studies” would point out, we are still in the honeymoon stage and the worse is yet to come. Some also say that the first year of marriage is the worse and it gets better after. Either way, I truly believe that we chose the path our life would tread through. Whatever may become of our marriage, we are held accountable to choose our spouse each and every day. So I hold on to the joy that gives me strength. Some days I still find myself sobbing over my singlehood, but I am quickly reminded that joy is always at arms reach.

 So today I trade my mourning for joy.

Till later,

Shammah