So first of, I apologize in advance for talking about something grim. This topic is a bit uncanny but it is definitely something that we hear about almost every day. But we are de synthesized to it. The topic is death. I know, I know! This is such a sad note to start a blog hence the apology in the beginning of my blog. But I suppose sometimes we need to be reminded by the reality of death once in a while. But we need not be consumed by it.
This bit of reality started a few weeks ago when my sister and I attended the funeral of a 29 years old lady. She was so young and I often wonder if she knew that she was about to die? I don’t know if awareness of when you are about to die is better than dying instantly? Dying of illness gives you more time to prepare as compared to dying all of the sudden? Anyways, these are the questions that run through my mind whenever I go to a funeral (and many more). I wonder how many people out there get overly sensitive and analytical when like me, but death is always harder to accept when the person is younger. At the same time funerals always make you re-asses your life, and realize how short it really is. The Bible says that life is but a vapor in light of eternity. For a while I pondered about my life, my marriage, my family. I wonder if I am doing what God has called me to do in this lifetime. I wonder if I am kind enough, good enough, loving enough. I wondered when my turn would be. Needless to say, I went home last night and sobbed and spent time in prayer and asked for forgives for allowing opportunities of sharing God’s work to pass by. Even a few days later, I still had these thoughts just killed my joy. I was sobbing at the idea of being apart from my family and especially my husband. I always get so dramatic and overly analytical. But I think that being ANALYTICAL even an understatement for how I become when I am faced with emotional situations. Even through my sobbing sessions, I was extremely grateful for my salvation. I was thankful that I am Christian, I am thankful that I know God and that I have a relationship with him. But of course the reality of death here on earth is always so daunting. On a side note, I am so thankful for a wonderful husband that I don’t deserve who holds my hand while praying over me when I encounter emotional situations such as these.
Moving forward, a few weeks ago I felt the lump in my breast to be getting bigger (note that I’ve had this for a while now and have gotten it checked). But lately I’ve been having weird symptoms accompanied with the breast pain I have been feeling. I went to my doctor who said that my lump was normal while he passively circled through my breast. Same with the other doctor that I visited who gave this weird look when she felt the lump as she told me that I should just wait for my ultrasound result which was a month away! I was frustrated by them because I felt the lack of accuracy in doing the exam and the passive response to my questions. I wasn’t content and I still have this nagging pain around my arm and neck because of my breast pains. So I went back to my old clinic where I told the doctor my experience and she did a thorough exam of my breast where she found 2 more lumps and 2 lymph nodes from both my armpits, something that my other 2 doctors never noticed before. She ordered me to book an ultrasound right away (which I will be going to soon). But like every other doctor they refuse to speak in definite until they have the results on hand. I asked her if I should worry about it and she said that I should wait for what the ultrasound says and it could possibly be a cyst, a benign mass and the probability of getting cancer at my age is low. But this came alarming to me knowing that my grandma passed away of breast cancer at a young age, and my mom was diagnosed with a benign lump when she was around my age too. Whew, looks like this is becoming more of a rant! Sorry ya’ll. But if you have a family history of breast cancer I am allowed to feel scared!
I told my husband about it and as soon as I got home he gave me a long hug and asked me if I was okay. And being the overly analytical me, I once again sobbed in bed. I told my husband that we just got married and asked him how this could be happening. And why is it happening when we finally decided to plan on having a baby. I was so full of fear and discouragement. I couldn’t bear not being with my husband and the possibility of not being able to meet my future children if this came out positive. And I could see that my husband wanted to cry with me but he held his ground and spoke encouragements over me and prayed with me until I fell asleep. So once again, I am faced with death in the face. And I have been asking God to give me peace during this time of waiting. I pray that the result will come out negative and this lump isn’t life threatening.
Man! This adulating business is tough. I’m not going to lie… I feel very anxious and scared still. But I realize that God is in full control of this life. And I pray that this time of waiting for what may be of this health issue will allow me to get closer to him. I know that God desires nothing but the best for me and that he is covering me under the shadow of his wings. I pray that the next time I write another blog that I would be on a better note.
If you guys have the same experience as mine, please do share! I’d love to hear from you.